Real Narcissists Don't Get Diagnosed—Their Victims Do

Why real narcissistic abuse leaves permanent scars—and why most people have no idea what they're talking about

Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash

June 1st marks World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Month - dedicated to shedding light on the often hidden and misunderstood trauma inflicted by narcissistic abuse. This piece is my contribution to that awareness, aiming to validate survivors' experiences and educate others on the profound impact of such relationships. Paid subscribers get full access to the raw, unfiltered version of this piece.

Everyone's a narcissist these days. Your ex who ghosted after love-bombing. Your coworker who never apologizes but always plays the victim. That situationship who breadcrumbed you for months and called it “bad timing.” The spouse who had an affair. Can they be narcs? Sure, but not always. We throw that word around like confetti at a gender reveal party—messy, everywhere, and usually missing the point entirely.

Here's the truth: We're all narcissistic from time to time. Many of us are in toxic relationships—not because one person is a narcissist, but because we both have insecure attachment styles that create toxic, often addictive cycles. That's not narcissistic abuse. That's just human dysfunction, and it's fixable with therapy and intention.

Real narcissistic abuse?

That's something else entirely. That's psychological warfare disguised as love. And anyone who has ever experienced true NPD abuse—I mean the kind where you live with a predator for months or years—they are forever changed. There are permanent scars left behind and what I call "narc fleas" that we have to move past with intense healing work and intention.

Because true people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are most often NOT diagnosed and will never see themselves as the demonic souls they are. I know some people think it's cruel to call anyone demonic or evil, but if you've ever had real abuse from these psychopaths—serious, systematic abuse day after day for long periods of time—you know exactly what evil looks like. These broken people will most likely never see the truth about themselves.

It's like Hans Christian Andersen's "The Emperor's New Clothes." Remember that story? An emperor parades around naked, convinced he's wearing the finest garments, while his entire court pretends to see the beautiful clothes because they're too afraid to speak the truth. The emperor never sees his own nakedness—he's completely deluded about his reality.

That's a narcissist. They walk through life convinced they're wearing a crown of righteousness while most around them can see the truth: they're emotional predators parading as human beings. But just like in the fairy tale, most people are too afraid, too charmed, or too confused to call them out.

Most people closest to them are the ones who end up in therapy trying to learn how to deal with these monsters. And…. they are monsters.

The Clinical Reality: What NPD Actually Is

According to the DSM-5, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is diagnosed when someone shows at least five of these criteria:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance

• Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• Believes they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people

• Requires excessive admiration

• Has a deep sense of entitlement

• Is interpersonally exploitative (takes advantage of others)

• Lacks empathy

• Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of them

• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

But here's what the manual doesn't tell you: these people rarely seek help. They don't think anything's wrong with them. It's everyone else who needs fixing.

Love is not making me beg for basic respect.

Love does not hurt me on purpose.

Love doesn’t say you are on your way home at midnight only to shut off your phone and return at 8am…..with flowers!

What Living With a Real Narcissist Does to You

We victims are never the same after this kind of abuse, especially if we lived in the same home with them. We usually don't get as close to others anymore, partly out of fear of losing them to another smear campaign where our abuser turns people against us before, during and after the final discard.

Most of us suffer from Complex PTSD—not just regular PTSD from a single traumatic event, but C-PTSD from prolonged, repeated trauma. C-PTSD includes symptoms like emotional dysregulation, negative self-concept, and problems with relationships and consciousness. Your nervous system gets stuck in survival mode because the threat was constant, unpredictable, and inescapable.

A part of our brain is always wondering if we're being lied to and manipulated. Some of us never fully trust again. We're on high alert, scanning for signs that our new partners or potential suitors might be narcissists too.

And here's the kicker: statistically, survivors of narcissistic abuse are more likely to end up with another narcissist. We're like wounded animals that predators can smell from miles away.

You learn to walk on eggshells without even realizing it. You become a detective in your own home, reading micro-expressions and voice tones like your life depends on it. Because it does. You learn to people-please at a level that would make a golden retriever jealous. You become obsessed with keeping them calm, staying "good enough," making sure you don't set them off.

You start ignoring every instinct you have because their reality becomes your reality, and their reality says you're always wrong.

Love is not punishing me because my feelings upset you.

Love is not using sex as a weapon or reward.

Love is not bringing me to dinner with the woman you're secretly sleeping with.

By the time you realize what's happening, you've been trained to betray yourself. Over and over and over again.

What Recovery Actually Looks Like (- It's More Than Reading Instagram Posts)

Here's the practical stuff they don't put in the therapy workbooks:

Stop trying to understand the narcissist. You're not broken because they abused you. They abuse everyone eventually. You could be Princess Diana and Mother Teresa rolled into one perfect human, and they'd still find a way to make you the villain in their story. Stop caring if they can get better….THEY WON’T!

Get safe. Digitally, emotionally, physically. Block. Mute. Use apps for communication if kids are involved. No contact or the gray rock method isn't just a strategy—it's survival.

Calm your nervous system. Hypervigilance isn't fixed with logic. It needs new habits, sensory safety, and repetition. Your body has been living in a war zone. It needs to remember what peace feels like. And it takes months if not years to do so.

Rebuild trust with yourself. They trained you to ignore your gut from all the gaslighting and mind fuckery. Every time you had a feeling, they told you it was wrong. Time to undo that conditioning. Trust within yourself helps prevent another demonic human to abuse you again.

Grieve. Get angry. Let it out. Rage is not a sin. It's part of healing. You're allowed to be furious about what was stolen from you and what they did to you. Then channel it into something healthy.

Don't jump into another relationship to feel "safe." You won't trust them anyway until you feel safe in your own mind and body.

Love is not having lunch with my family just to paint me as unstable.
Love is not provoking me until I lose my temper, then calling me crazy.
Love is not making me beg for sex once a month.

The Physical Toll Nobody Mentions

Let me tell you what years of real narcissistic abuse did to my body, because this isn't just about hurt feelings and trust issues.

I was on prescription sleeping medication because insomnia became my normal. Not the "can't fall asleep because I'm worried about work" kind. The "lying awake at 3 AM wondering what I did wrong today and how he'll punish me tomorrow" kind.

Migraines. Three to four times a week. I had prescription medication for the migraines and different medication to try to prevent them. My neurologist kept increasing dosages. What he didn't know and what I didn't know—was that my head was splitting because my nervous system was screaming.

My hair started thinning and falling out in the last year of that relationship. Handfuls before, during and after my shower. I thought it was stress. It was, but not the kind you fix with a vacation. My body was screaming for help.

Panic attacks became a regular. I felt numb most of the time…apathetic. I never really felt much of anything, which was both a blessing and a curse.

And here's the kicker: I was wrongfully diagnosed with bipolar disorder because of how I was acting during the abuse. Turns out, when someone systematically destroys your reality and then calls you crazy for reacting to it, you start acting in ways that look like mental illness.

Newsflash: Responding to psychological torture isn't mental illness. It's being human.

This is what “crazy-making” behavior looks like—another classic narcissist tactic designed to make you look unhinged while they stay calm and collected.

Love is not gaslighting me when I know you are cheating.
Love is not turning everyone against me because I was leaving you.
Love is not mocking me to get a rise out of me.

Living in constant fear—even silent, hidden fear—puts your nervous system in a chronic state of survival. Your body doesn't care if the threat is physical or emotional. It responds the same way. Until you crash.

The list of what real narcissistic abuse does to your body reads like a medical textbook: insomnia, migraines, GI problems, hair loss, lowered immune system, hormonal imbalances, panic attacks in places that should feel safe, hyper-alertness during intimacy even with someone you love, emotional numbness followed by emotional flooding.

Your body keeps the score. And the score is devastating.

That's the practical stuff. But it doesn't even touch the damage that lingers years later—how even love can feel like danger. And how your body keeps you alert in ways no one prepares you for.

Love is not withholding affection when you're mad at me.
Love is not diagnosing me with mental illness because you refused to see your part.
Love is not telling me I'm fat when you're trying to hurt me.

“Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.”
— Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

What comes next is the part I used to keep to myself—the real damage, the confessions, the shit nobody wants to say out loud. If you’re ready for that, keep reading….