Divorce Sucks—But Life After Can Be Amazing For You & Your Kids

9 Lessons on Divorce With Kids That Will Save Your Sanity

Me and my kids - Photo taken by Kirstin Shontere Photography

I never thought I’d be divorced. But life had other plans.

When I finally left my marriage, I felt like I had failed. I had three kids, a broken heart, and no roadmap for what came next.

Society made me believe divorce was the worst thing I could do to my kids. The guilt was suffocating.

But here’s what I learned: Divorce isn’t the worst thing. Staying in a miserable marriage and calling it "stability" is.

If you’re navigating this journey, let me save you some time and heartache.

Here are 9 hard-won truths about healing after divorce:

1. Your Kids Will Be Okay. Really.

I lost sleep, worrying I had ruined my kids’ lives. I thought the best thing I could do was stay, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.

I was wrong.

Kids don’t need a perfect family—they need a happy one. If you and your children’s other parent were miserable together, your children already knew. They felt the tension, the resentment, the unspoken words.

I was 9 when my parents divorced. I missed my dad, but I was relieved the fighting stopped. Years later, I saw the same relief in my own kids’ faces.

Let that sink in.

2. Divorce Is Not a Failure—Staying in the Wrong Marriage Is

A marriage that ends is not a “failed” marriage. A failed marriage is one where two people stay together out of fear, guilt, obligation or comfort. 

Couples should not automatically jump to divorce—marriage is a commitment, and vows should not be taken lightly.

But let’s be honest: there are valid reasons for divorce, far more than what any God, society, or tradition has to say. Abuse, chronic betrayal, neglect, emotional starvation—these are not things to "pray away" or endure in silence.

Divorce is a correction. A painful one, yes—but sometimes, the most necessary thing for everyone involved.

3. Space Is a Gift—For You and Your Kids

This one is tough, but hear me out: Calling your kids every single day when they’re with their other parent? It’s not for them—it’s for you.

I know that sounds harsh. But research shows that excessive contact after divorce actually increases kids' stress levels. They need to adjust. Let them.

High-Conflict Parenting Courses (the kind mandated by courts) teach this for a reason. Constant check-ins signal to kids that you don’t trust they’re okay without you.

It interrupts their ability to settle into their new routine, making them feel like they have to manage your emotions instead of just being kids.

When you constantly remind them you miss them and love them, they start to feel responsible for your feelings—which can lead to guilt, anxiety, and, over time, resentment.

Instead, focus on the quality of your relationship when you’re together. Because no step-parent, no new spouse, no one else can ever replace you.

It’s Just. Not. Possible.

Because here’s the thing: Your kids are growing into their new routine. You should, too.

4. If You’re Still Fighting, You’re Still in a Relationship

Wait, what??

Yep.

Divorce doesn’t automatically mean emotional separation.

If you and your children’s other parent are still locked in a never-ending battle—firing off long, dramatic texts "for the kids," dragging each other through court over nonsense, or using your kids as tiny, reluctant messengers or moles—then guess what?

You haven’t actually broken up. You’ve just rebranded your dysfunction and trauma for your kids. 

And if new partners are involved? Well, congrats, you’ve just expanded the cast of your personal soap opera.

Here’s the truth: The moment you stop engaging, you take back your peace. Nothing is more powerful than refusing to react.

The fighting?

It’s not proving a point.

It’s not making you the “better” parent.

It’s just making your kids feel like crap.

All they want is for both parents to get along just enough to not need therapy later.

Hey step-parent:

If you keep fueling fights with the children’s other parent, you’re not winning—you’re keeping them relevant and keeping your partner emotionally attached to someone else. The more you engage, the more space they take up in your and their minds.

Real power? Letting go of the war.

So maybe—just maybe—rethink that next angry text before you hit send or dial up the lawyer!

5. You Will Get Used to the Quiet, I Promise. 

The first time I dropped my kids off with their dad for their first full week at his house, I cried all week.

The silence was deafening.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. No tiny voices calling my name. No chaos to manage. No little humans needing me every second.

And that’s when it hit me—who even was I outside of being a mom?

At first, I counted down the days & hours until they came back.

I paced. I scrolled. I cleaned and organized. I called because I missed them. I checked in because I felt guilty.

But eventually, I stopped waiting for them to come home—and started living.

This is when I dove headfirst into personal development. I took every course I could find on relationships, human behavior, and high-conflict parenting.

I found Tony Robbins and never looked back. I stopped focusing on what I had lost and started focusing on what I could build.

And let’s be real—kid-free time is a godsend. For individuals and couples. Not to sound shitty, but it’s the truth. Use it wisely. Take a course, hit the gym, start that business, learn something new.

6. Forgiveness Is for You, Not Them

Maybe your former partner did unforgivable things. Maybe they were cruel, manipulative, unfaithful. Maybe they still are.

But your anger doesn’t hurt them—it only poisons you…and your children by proxy. 

Forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about you. It’s cutting the emotional cord so they no longer have a grip on your life. 

7. Don’t Take on Anyone Else’s Guilt

Your mom might disapprove. Your friends might have opinions. Religions judge. Your kids might beg you to “fix” things.

But this is your life, not theirs.

I remember the heartbreak when my then 3-year-old asked, "When are you coming back home, Mommy?" That guilt was unbearable. But 6 years later, my kids confidently move between two homes, knowing their parents love them no matter what.

Other people will try to project their fears onto you. Don’t take the weight of their expectations.

8. A Bonus Parent Is a Bonus—Not a Replacement

Let’s get one thing straight: No one can replace you. Not a new partner, not a step-parent, not anyone. It’s just how it works. Kids will always love and want their biological parents—it’s wired into them.

So why waste your energy feeling threatened?

The new partner isn’t your competition. They’re just another person in your child’s co-parenting circle—someone who, ideally, wants your kid to succeed and be happy. That’s a win for everyone.

Co-parenting isn’t a competition—it’s a team sport. The sooner you stop seeing the new partner as a threat and start seeing them as an ally (even if you wouldn’t grab coffee together), the easier life gets—for you and, more importantly, for your kids.

A bonus parent is exactly that—a bonus. Not a replacement, not the enemy, just another adult in your child’s corner. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want for our kids?

Confession: When Another Woman Entered My Kids' Lives

Less than three months after my marriage ended, another woman was already in my kids’ lives—taking care of them, doing the little things I had always done. And it ate me up inside.

I felt replaced. Forgotten. Like my role as their mom had somehow been diluted overnight. My mind spun—Will they like her more? Will she take my place?

Thankfully, my coach set me straight: Nobody can take my place. Another woman can help my kids, support them, even love them—but she will never be me.

And for that, I am thankful. Instead of seeing her as a threat, I chose to see her as an extra source of love in my kids’ lives. Because more people loving my children is never a bad thing.

9. You Will Feel Like Yourself Again—And Maybe Even Better

Divorce forced me to rebuild my life. At first, I thought I was just trying to get back to who I was before. But then I realized—why go backward?

I lost myself in marriage. I gained weight. I forgot what made me happy outside of being a wife and mom. Divorce forced me to discover myself.

I started taking care of my body—not for revenge, but because I wanted to feel strong again. I explored things I had put off for years. I stopped waiting for someone to hand me happiness.

If you’re in the thick of it, just know: The person you were before marriage isn’t gone. She’s still in there—only now, she’s stronger. Wiser. More resilient.  And one day, she’ll look in the mirror and recognize herself again.

Divorce Sucks—But Life After Doesn’t Have To

Healing from divorce isn’t linear. Some days, you’ll feel unstoppable. Other days, you’ll cry in the Target parking lot. And both are completely normal.

But if you take anything from this, let it be this: You are not broken. You are becoming.

I’d love to hear from you—what’s been the hardest part of your divorce?

Drop a comment or reply to this email. And if you want more real talk on healing, love, and life after divorce, hit subscribe for my next post.

Jen