Your Marriage Is Dying Because You Put Your Kids First (Fix It Before It’s Too Late)
Prioritizing your partner shows kids what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s not neglect—it’s leadership. Here’s how to do it right without raising entitled little tyrants.
The Parenting Lie That’s Ruining Marriages
There’s a belief that has been ingrained in modern parenting: Your kids should always come first. It sounds noble, selfless, and logical. After all, they’re small, dependent, and need constant attention.
But what if I told you that this belief is not only wrong but actually one of the biggest reasons relationships crumble?
Couples who prioritize their children over their relationship are more likely to divorce—and that’s not an opinion; it’s backed by research. The irony? When the relationship falls apart, the kids suffer the most.
What most people fail to understand is that putting your relationship first doesn’t mean neglecting your kids. It means being intentional about keeping your foundation strong so your family thrives as a whole.
And no, this isn’t about dropping your baby at grandma’s every weekend while you party or leaving a toddler in a crib crying while you watch a movie together.
It’s about creating a structured, balanced home where both your relationship and your children get what they need.
How Prioritizing Kids Over Your Partner Leads to Divorce
For decades, studies have shown that couples who put their marriage on the back burner for their kids end up with more resentment, emotional disconnection, and, eventually, separation.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, found that couples who focus only on their children tend to lose intimacy and connection—making them far more likely to divorce.
Many couples spend 18+ years putting their kids first, only to look at each other when the last child leaves and realize... they have nothing left between them.
Studies show that parents who prioritize their partnership raise happier, more emotionally stable and securely attached children—because they create a secure, loving home rather than a chaotic, child-centered one.
Here’s the truth no one wants to admit: Children are not meant to be the center of your world all the time. They are supposed to grow up, leave the nest, and build their own families. This builds independence and resilience.
So if you’ve spent two decades putting your kids before your marriage... what’s left when they’re gone?
And what have you taught your children about love and connection? It demonstrates love-less dynamics bc without intimacy & connection; you are just roommates raising kids who may or may not have sex sometimes.
Personal Confession: How I Got It Wrong
I used to think I was doing everything right. I put my kids first, kept the house running, and tried to be the perfect wife and mother. My husband focused on work, and in our minds, we were both doing what we were supposed to do. But while I felt seen and appreciated as a mom, he felt that validation at work—not at home.
Love wasn’t enough. We stopped truly connecting, going through the motions of robotic, bi-weekly 5-minute sex barely touching each other outside of routine. Eventually, we both felt so unseen that we strayed—emotionally, physically, in every way. We divorced.
Looking back, that dynamic was doomed anyway. We were two unhealed people in a toxic cycle. But maybe, just maybe, if we had our priorities straight, it could’ve ended better.
Some people cheat because they’re just cheaters. But happy people don’t act this way.
The Order of Priorities: Building a Life That Thrives
The strongest relationships don’t just happen—they’re built on the right priorities.
Here’s how a healthy, balanced life should be structured:
1️⃣ God (or your highest belief system) – Provides purpose, stability, and guidance.
2️⃣ Yourself – You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care makes you a better partner and parent.
3️⃣ Your Relationship (Marriage or Partnership) – The foundation of your home. A strong relationship creates a secure environment for children.
4️⃣ Your Kids – Crucial, but they need parents who are united, emotionally present, and leading by example.
5️⃣ Work/Career – Provides for the family but should never replace the family itself.
6️⃣ Friends & Extended Family – Connection matters, but your core family unit comes first.
Most people get this order wrong—putting kids before their marriage or letting work take over their life. This week, we’re focusing on prioritizing your partner—because when your relationship is strong, your entire life becomes more stable.
You’re Not Choosing Your Partner Over Your Kids—You’re Choosing the Relationship First
A strong relationship isn’t just about two people—it’s about three things:
You
Your Partner
The relationship itself
Each partner has individual needs and wants, but the relationship also has needs that must be nurtured. If you don’t prioritize it, it will weaken over time.
Let’s get one thing straight: Your children’s needs will always be met. (if you care to)
They will always be fed, bathes, schooled and emotionally supported.
They will always have a home filled with love, structure and guidance.
They will always have your presence as a parent.
But none of that will matter if the foundation—your relationship—is weak.
A thriving partnership creates stability for children—not the other way around.
What This Does NOT Mean:
❌ Ignoring your kids or their needs.
❌ Letting them fend for themselves while you go have fun.
❌ Using this as an excuse to stay in a toxic or unhealthy relationship.
❌ Spending money on hair, nails, and date nights while your kids go without food, clothing, or basic necessities.
What This DOES Mean:
Showing your kids what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
Modeling respect, love, and teamwork between partners.
Teaching them that parents are not just caregivers—they’re people and partners too.
Creating stability and security in the household by keeping the foundation strong.
Children feel safest when they see their parents in a connected, loving relationship. They learn what love, commitment, and respect look like not from words, but from watching how you treat each other.
The Wrong Way vs. The Right Way
How Parents Get This Wrong (Common Mistakes)
Dropping everything for the kids – Cancelling plans with your spouse every time a child wants something or not making plans at all because “there is no time.”
Never or rarely enforcing boundaries – Letting kids dictate the family dynamic, leaving no room for the parents’ needs with things like late bedtimes or even co-sleeping.
Letting the marriage fade into the background – Assuming your kids don’t need to see love, teamwork, or intimacy between parents.
Using kids as an emotional crutch – Becoming so consumed with parenting that the relationship disappears.
How to Do It Right (Practical Solutions)
Date nights are non-negotiable. Even if it’s just a coffee date or a quiet dinner at home, (alone wth NO PHONES) you and your partner need to connect weekly.
If the family can only afford one vacation per year, the parents go. This isn’t selfish—it’s essential. The kids will have endless moments of attention throughout the year, but your relationship needs dedicated time to thrive.
Quarterly weekend getaways. Even if it’s a local staycation, couples must intentionally reset and reconnect.
Business meetings for the relationship. Set scheduled check-ins to discuss family logistics, personal goals, and emotional connection. A successful home requires leadership from a strong partnership.
Teach kids to respect “grown-up time.” Kids need to know that parents have alone time—whether it’s a closed-door conversation, a movie night, or an early bedtime routine.
Balance attention and energy. Give kids quality time—but reserve energy for your partner too. It’s not about choosing one over the other, it’s about prioritizing both appropriately.
And let’s be real: kids’ needs will always be met. But relationships? They deteriorate fast when neglected.
What Relationship Experts Say About Putting Your Partner First
Dr. John Gottman: Happy parents make for happy kids. A neglected relationship creates a toxic environment.
Dr. Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages): When couples stop speaking each other’s love language and focus only on the kids, the marriage begins to crumble.
Esther Perel: Passion fades when couples identify only as ‘mom and dad’ rather than lovers and partners.
When your relationship thrives, your family thrives.
The Strongest Relationships Put Each Other First—And That’s What Makes Them Last
The most loving, unbreakable partnerships are built on one simple principle: putting your partner before yourself. Not in a way that makes you a doormat, but in a way that creates a consistent, mutual cycle of love, trust, and care.
This is how true partnership works:
You think of their needs before your own.
They think of your needs before their own.
Because of that, both of you always feel loved, valued, and safe.
It’s a constant flow of giving and receiving, not a one-sided sacrifice. When both people show up daily with this mindset, the relationship flourishes, and neither person ever feels neglected.
How the Circle of Love & Trust Works
1️⃣ You choose to serve, love, and care for your partner daily. You anticipate their needs, do little things to make their life easier, and prioritize their happiness.
2️⃣ Because they feel seen and valued, they do the same for you. They pour back into you, making you feel supported, appreciated, and loved.
3️⃣ This cycle repeats, creating deep trust, security, and connection. Each partner feels safe, loved, and cherished—because they know their needs will always be met.
The key? It has to be mutual. If one person does all the giving while the other takes, resentment builds, and the cycle breaks.
We Choose Lifetime Partners—Not Our Kids
Your kids are temporary residents in your home. They are meant to grow up, find their own partners, and start their own lives.
Your partner? They are your chosen family for life.
If you neglect your marriage for the kids, what’s left when they leave? Too many couples wake up after 18+ years of child-centered living and realize they are nothing more than co-parents and roommates.
Choosing your partner daily doesn’t mean loving your kids any less—it means building a strong foundation so they can have a stable, loving home to grow up in. And one they want to come home to once they thrive and leave the nest.
Love Is a Verb: It Takes Daily Effort
Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s an action. Every single day, you choose:
To be patient when your partner is struggling.
To show appreciation instead of taking them for granted.
To nurture intimacy, even when life gets chaotic.
To prioritize their happiness, knowing they will do the same for you.
Marriages don’t fall apart overnight. They fall apart through small, daily neglect—a lack of attention, connection, and effort.
NEWSFLASH: Happy people don’t cheat or divorce.
People cheat when they feel unseen, disconnected, or neglected. When both partners are consistently pouring into each other, cheating becomes irrelevant—because neither person is looking for a way out or looking to get needs met elsewhere.
But the strongest couples? They never stop choosing each other.
Choose Your Hard:
Marriage is hard. It takes effort, sacrifice, and daily commitment.
AND divorce is hard, too—and often much harder.
If you’re going to fight for something, fight for your marriage. Put in the work now so you don’t have to pick up the broken pieces later.
Because when you choose your partner first, you’re not just saving your relationship—you’re protecting your family’s future.
Important Disclaimer:
Prioritizing your relationship does not mean staying in a marriage at all costs. While I believe in fighting for a strong partnership, I do not believe in staying in abusive relationships—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—especially when children are suffering.
Marriage should never come at the expense of safety, dignity, or well-being. If you are in a toxic or abusive dynamic, staying just for the sake of vows teaches your children to tolerate mistreatment rather than seek healthy love.
Trying to fix a struggling marriage is honorable, but staying with an abuser is not. One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is showing them the strength to walk away from what is harmful.
Breaking the cycle is a lesson they will carry for life.
Final Thoughts: Putting Your Partner First IS Putting Your Kids First
The idea that kids should always come first sounds logical but is actually backward. If you want a strong, lasting family, the best thing you can do for your kids is build an unshakable foundation with your partner.
Your children are supposed to grow up, leave the nest, and find their own partners. If they’ve never seen what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, how will they know how to build one for themselves?
Prioritizing your relationship isn’t about choosing your partner over your kids.It’s about creating a home where love, connection, and respect are the standard.
That’s the real legacy you want to pass down.
Love is a verb. Choose your hard.
And if you want an animalistic sex life, build impeccable trust. 🔥💥
~Jen 💜
Book Recommendations for Raising a Strong Family
1. The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman
2. The 5 Love Languages of Children – Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell
3. The 5 Love Languages for Blended Families – Gary Chapman & Ron Deal
4. The Smart Stepfamily – Ron L. Deal
5. The Smart Stepfamily Marriage – Ron L. Deal & David H. Olson
6. Hold On to Your Kids – Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté
7. How We Love – Milan & Kay Yerkovich
8. Boundaries – Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
9. Parenting with Love and Logic – Charles Fay & Foster Cline
10. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – Dr. John Gottman
Having kids highlighted our really weak areas, so I think in some cases once kids come, you’re doomed anyway.
💯 agree with this! My husband and I always (try!) to prioritize our relationship. It is so important to a healthy marriage and the kids see it and it’s good for them, too!