Loved this post! As a SAHM for 9 years, I knew in my bones that I was doing the right thing for my kids even though society looks down on SAHMs. People would tell me, you’re so lucky you get to stay home. It wasn’t luck. I saved my pennies, gave up a career and did it, willingly. I’m back in the workforce now and can honestly say that being at home, especially with little kids and dealing with sleep deprivation, was way harder than anything I’ve dealt with at work.
Hi Maribel. I am so thrilled to hear you made the choice to stay home and loved it. That's the important part. While I do believe it's better for the kids and the household, I also believe it's not for everyone. It's only better for the kids if the parent is willing and able. It's more than just feeding them and keeping them alive, it's teaching them and guiding them, as you are fully aware of. Some parents don't want to, and I think that is ok, too. I just wish full-time parents were respected the way working parents are. I am back in the workforce as well and I am more stressed despite loving my career choice.
Wow! Jason, this is beautiful! Your wife is so blessed to have a loving man support her and appreciate her, which then feeds her love and appreciation towards you, and the cycle continues. Love is a verb and love heals and feeds our soul and intrinsic growth. I love "family CEOs"- what a perfect way to encapsulate all that the stay at home parent job entails.
A relative recently commented that I would be able to go back to work once the kids were a little bigger… I still can’t get over it. Not only is being a SAHM the hardest work I’ve EVER done (I’m a bedside nurse, I know hard) but I also carry a part-time job in the evenings and homeschool my daughter. Meanwhile, this relative is in between jobs. You just can’t make this stuff up.
Wow Cami, you have your hands full! Homeschooling too? That alone is a full-time job not to mention the pressure and stress that comes from that HUGE responsibility. I homeschooled for 2 years for my then middle schooler (before 2020) and I lost sleep calculating his weekly school hours and worried constantly that I was doing enough and teaching him the right things or if he was learning at all. (FYI- he tested back into school 4 grade levels ahead....)
But I think you nailed it without realizing...that family member does not have a job and they are resentful that you "don't have one" by choice. (What's wrong with you?! LOL) Hopefully, they find one that pays them hourly and has some benefits, including their two daily 15-minute breaks.....something YOU do not have. :)
Thank you for this post. What really resonated with me was your introduction that pulled me into your world. I also relate to the mention of absurd expectations. It. Is. So. Hard. And if I’m being honest I question my choice almost every day. I too wish I could receive more verbal thank yous and more time off.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. This role truly is one of the most challenging, and it’s so hard when society—and sometimes even our partners—don’t fully recognize the effort we put in every single day. I’ve found some comfort in hindsight with my oldest son, who’s now moved out. As a dad himself chasing after a toddler, he and his partner now understand just how much work it was for me to raise cute individuals while juggling everything else. It’s a bittersweet validation that comes with time.
It takes a village—even for super moms. Lean on your support network as much as you can, and if you don’t have other SAHMs in your circle, I encourage you to seek some out, even if they are online groups and forums. Having people who truly understand your world can make a huge difference.
I see you, Mary, and I deeply appreciate the hard work and dedication you’re pouring into your family. You’re raising the next generation of contributors to society, and that’s no small task. So thank YOU—for everything you do, even on the days it feels thankless. You’re making a difference.
While I understand why this article had to be written, I personally have never had anyone ask me this question - and I’ve been a SAHM for 19 years.
When most folks find out that I’m a SAHM, the phrase often used is, “That’s one of the toughest jobs out there.”
My inner voice turns out to be harsher critic on my life choices than most outside voices. Some days are tougher than most, but I wouldn’t trade my choice to stay home with my kids for anything. My kids are what matters most to me in this life, second only to my husband.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so well written as well.
Hi there, and thank you for commenting. You are very lucky to have such supportive people around you on your SAHM journey. Not all of us get that same support, and sadly, it seems working moms are the worst at throwing jabs. I love it when someone tells me they think a SAHM job is one of the toughest jobs out there bc it is. It's not easy, it's not for everyone, and it deserves more credit the its given.
Thank you for supporting my page and my article. Good luck to you being an amazing SAHM, I am very envious bc that was my favorite job ever!!! :)
Thank you for the compliment on my article. I think SAHM (or dads) are undervalued for a few reasons: 1) there are lazy ones who just sit and watch TV all day with their kids 2) People assume it's a no-brainer 3) they've never done it so they have no clue 4) they are pompous jerks! :) :) Either way, it's one of the best jobs IMO.
My son's are grown up…I still spend the entire morning on chores…dogs, cats, laundry, dishes, vacuum, plan meals, dogs again, shovel snow…, shower, have a protein shake, clean carpet…….take away recycle, …..always busy. Now I know why we did not have dogs when young kids.
Amen Mari. It takes a lot to care for a home and animals and OURSELVES. But hats off to you doing it, and drinking a protein shake!! :) Sorry you have to shovel snow, I left Illinois for Florida. LOL
One thing I kept thinking g as I read this, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, is how in 20 years the same kids will have to cut their moms out of their lives for being “toxic” and “narcissistic” because we just weren’t perfect. It makes you realize that there are two sides to every story.
Hi Grace, just looking for clarity here—are you saying that stay-at-home moms, after doing everything for everyone, somehow still end up labeled toxic by their own kids? That sounds like a pretty personal take. The point of the article was to highlight the invisible labor and standards projected by unreasonable partners, not suggest anyone needs to be perfect—least of all our kids.
I'm genuinely curious about what you meant because your comment seems cryptic and passive-aggressive.
Well, I’m mostly observing that adults cutting ties with their own parents for being “toxic” is having a real moment. Possibly some of those parents ARE toxic but probably a lot of them were moms just like we are. They were in the weeds, trying to get kids to school and dinner on the table and dealing with exactly this: invisible labor and unreasonable standards. It’s sad that moms can go through this and do their best and then find themselves cut off and labeled as narcissistic. My kids aren’t adults so I haven’t had this experience but it seems like it’s happening a lot now and it’s sad.
Thank you for explaining that, Grace—I completely get what you’re saying now, and I actually agree with you. It really is heartbreaking to see moms who gave everything get written off later because they weren’t perfect or didn’t have the tools to do it all flawlessly. (nobody does)
I think a lot of what’s being labeled as ‘toxic’ in this current wave of self-help content is really just unprocessed pain, unmet needs, or generational exhaustion—and sadly, moms end up the scapegoat. That’s why I wrote the article the way I did. To show that we see it, we live it, and we’re trying to break the cycle while still being human.
You’re right—it’s a tough time to be a mom, especially when grace isn’t always returned to us. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Agreed. Sorry my initial comment wasn’t clear. I saw a lady in her 60’s comment on a Substack thread that she has been cut out of all 4 of her adult children’s lives and her heartbreak and confusion were devastating. From her own point of view, she’d done her best and now her kids won’t speak to her. No doubt (I believe this!) they have pain because who gets to adulthood without hurts? But wow that was achingly sad. As a mom myself, I see ways I fall short, don’t respond to situations in the ideal way, etc., and I hope my kids won’t cut me off later because of that!
Thank you for this piece ❤️ I’m one of the lucky one who has a husband who gets it, we are a real team. But he’s also traveling for work 70% of the time 😅 your writing makes us feel seen. Thank you 🙏
Hi Nadege. What an interesting name, where are you from? It always makes my heart happy when I hear that a spouse/partner is supportive of a stay-at-home parent and shows appreciation. You are one of the lucky ones so make sure to appreciate him in return because he is rare. Thank you for supporting my writing and restacking my article. It means more than you know!
From France originally ! And of course, you are welcome! It did me so much good to read your words, how could I not share? ❤️ looking forward to reading some more from you! Happy Sunday ✨
Loved this post! As a SAHM for 9 years, I knew in my bones that I was doing the right thing for my kids even though society looks down on SAHMs. People would tell me, you’re so lucky you get to stay home. It wasn’t luck. I saved my pennies, gave up a career and did it, willingly. I’m back in the workforce now and can honestly say that being at home, especially with little kids and dealing with sleep deprivation, was way harder than anything I’ve dealt with at work.
Hi Maribel. I am so thrilled to hear you made the choice to stay home and loved it. That's the important part. While I do believe it's better for the kids and the household, I also believe it's not for everyone. It's only better for the kids if the parent is willing and able. It's more than just feeding them and keeping them alive, it's teaching them and guiding them, as you are fully aware of. Some parents don't want to, and I think that is ok, too. I just wish full-time parents were respected the way working parents are. I am back in the workforce as well and I am more stressed despite loving my career choice.
I just posted this the other day:
We had a call in our mastermind group the other day.
It's a group of dads who own businesses.
We're all supporting each other in being better husbands, fathers and business owners.
We invited Zach Watson on to talk about Invisible Work and Cognitive Mental Load.
(Men - follow this guy - you'll be glad you did)
We also invited the men's wives to join us, and it was an eye-opening conversation for us all.
Many of the wives are full-time Family CEOs while their husbands are full-time business owners.
Society seems to place a premium on being the one who makes the money.
This can leave some moms feeling like their work isn’t as important.
That topic came up toward the end of the conversation.
We affirmed the importance of our amazing wives.
One of the moms said something that stuck with me:
"He's able to do his work because I do my work."
She’s right. But to me, that only scratches the surface.
I'll use myself as an example, but I know I’m speaking for every guy in the group.
I can do my work because Tanja runs our home with love and intention.
But more than that...
I can do my work because of the man she has helped me become.
She has shaped me in ways I struggle to put into words.
She's helped me become a more empathetic human being.
She's helped me become much more aware of the impact of my words and deeds on others.
She's helped me learn to love other people more deeply by how deeply she loves me.
She's helped me see how much drinking was holding me back and held me to a higher standard than I was holding myself.
She's challenged me to keep growing through her own commitment to keep growing.
She's forced me, lovingly, to get much better at confronting issues head on instead of avoiding them.
She's helped me imagine and strive for standards that I never believed I was capable of reaching.
She's helped me see the importance of learning to rest.
She's helped me learn to understand and communicate my thoughts and feelings more clearly.
She's helped me be more compassionate with myself when admitting and taking ownership over my many shortcomings.
She's held me and honoured my experience when I've been crushed by grief.
And that’s why I can do the work I do.
Not because I built something on my own.
But because I stand on the foundation of someone who has poured her heart and soul into me.
So the idea that my work is mine and mine alone?
It's so ridiculous it's almost comical.
It’s ours.
Thank you for choosing me today and every day Tanja.
We've been through the wringer and somehow I still feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
And to all the Family CEOs out there:
Your work matters to your partner, your family and to the world ♥️
Wow! Jason, this is beautiful! Your wife is so blessed to have a loving man support her and appreciate her, which then feeds her love and appreciation towards you, and the cycle continues. Love is a verb and love heals and feeds our soul and intrinsic growth. I love "family CEOs"- what a perfect way to encapsulate all that the stay at home parent job entails.
A relative recently commented that I would be able to go back to work once the kids were a little bigger… I still can’t get over it. Not only is being a SAHM the hardest work I’ve EVER done (I’m a bedside nurse, I know hard) but I also carry a part-time job in the evenings and homeschool my daughter. Meanwhile, this relative is in between jobs. You just can’t make this stuff up.
Wow Cami, you have your hands full! Homeschooling too? That alone is a full-time job not to mention the pressure and stress that comes from that HUGE responsibility. I homeschooled for 2 years for my then middle schooler (before 2020) and I lost sleep calculating his weekly school hours and worried constantly that I was doing enough and teaching him the right things or if he was learning at all. (FYI- he tested back into school 4 grade levels ahead....)
But I think you nailed it without realizing...that family member does not have a job and they are resentful that you "don't have one" by choice. (What's wrong with you?! LOL) Hopefully, they find one that pays them hourly and has some benefits, including their two daily 15-minute breaks.....something YOU do not have. :)
Thank you for this post. What really resonated with me was your introduction that pulled me into your world. I also relate to the mention of absurd expectations. It. Is. So. Hard. And if I’m being honest I question my choice almost every day. I too wish I could receive more verbal thank yous and more time off.
Hi Mary,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. This role truly is one of the most challenging, and it’s so hard when society—and sometimes even our partners—don’t fully recognize the effort we put in every single day. I’ve found some comfort in hindsight with my oldest son, who’s now moved out. As a dad himself chasing after a toddler, he and his partner now understand just how much work it was for me to raise cute individuals while juggling everything else. It’s a bittersweet validation that comes with time.
It takes a village—even for super moms. Lean on your support network as much as you can, and if you don’t have other SAHMs in your circle, I encourage you to seek some out, even if they are online groups and forums. Having people who truly understand your world can make a huge difference.
I see you, Mary, and I deeply appreciate the hard work and dedication you’re pouring into your family. You’re raising the next generation of contributors to society, and that’s no small task. So thank YOU—for everything you do, even on the days it feels thankless. You’re making a difference.
The fact that it was his glass in the sink.
Exactly Ginny. If you only knew. While my experience may be extreme, the
concept is still there. :(
While I understand why this article had to be written, I personally have never had anyone ask me this question - and I’ve been a SAHM for 19 years.
When most folks find out that I’m a SAHM, the phrase often used is, “That’s one of the toughest jobs out there.”
My inner voice turns out to be harsher critic on my life choices than most outside voices. Some days are tougher than most, but I wouldn’t trade my choice to stay home with my kids for anything. My kids are what matters most to me in this life, second only to my husband.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so well written as well.
Hi there, and thank you for commenting. You are very lucky to have such supportive people around you on your SAHM journey. Not all of us get that same support, and sadly, it seems working moms are the worst at throwing jabs. I love it when someone tells me they think a SAHM job is one of the toughest jobs out there bc it is. It's not easy, it's not for everyone, and it deserves more credit the its given.
Thank you for supporting my page and my article. Good luck to you being an amazing SAHM, I am very envious bc that was my favorite job ever!!! :)
This is a masterpiece
Thank you so much Tyler. Coming from a 'house husband', I know you get it.
This is the best effing thing I’ve read today. Why are we SAHMs so undervalued ???
Thank you for the compliment on my article. I think SAHM (or dads) are undervalued for a few reasons: 1) there are lazy ones who just sit and watch TV all day with their kids 2) People assume it's a no-brainer 3) they've never done it so they have no clue 4) they are pompous jerks! :) :) Either way, it's one of the best jobs IMO.
My son's are grown up…I still spend the entire morning on chores…dogs, cats, laundry, dishes, vacuum, plan meals, dogs again, shovel snow…, shower, have a protein shake, clean carpet…….take away recycle, …..always busy. Now I know why we did not have dogs when young kids.
Amen Mari. It takes a lot to care for a home and animals and OURSELVES. But hats off to you doing it, and drinking a protein shake!! :) Sorry you have to shovel snow, I left Illinois for Florida. LOL
“Invisible labor” is exhausting!
100% Melissa.
One thing I kept thinking g as I read this, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, is how in 20 years the same kids will have to cut their moms out of their lives for being “toxic” and “narcissistic” because we just weren’t perfect. It makes you realize that there are two sides to every story.
Hi Grace, just looking for clarity here—are you saying that stay-at-home moms, after doing everything for everyone, somehow still end up labeled toxic by their own kids? That sounds like a pretty personal take. The point of the article was to highlight the invisible labor and standards projected by unreasonable partners, not suggest anyone needs to be perfect—least of all our kids.
I'm genuinely curious about what you meant because your comment seems cryptic and passive-aggressive.
Well, I’m mostly observing that adults cutting ties with their own parents for being “toxic” is having a real moment. Possibly some of those parents ARE toxic but probably a lot of them were moms just like we are. They were in the weeds, trying to get kids to school and dinner on the table and dealing with exactly this: invisible labor and unreasonable standards. It’s sad that moms can go through this and do their best and then find themselves cut off and labeled as narcissistic. My kids aren’t adults so I haven’t had this experience but it seems like it’s happening a lot now and it’s sad.
Thank you for explaining that, Grace—I completely get what you’re saying now, and I actually agree with you. It really is heartbreaking to see moms who gave everything get written off later because they weren’t perfect or didn’t have the tools to do it all flawlessly. (nobody does)
I think a lot of what’s being labeled as ‘toxic’ in this current wave of self-help content is really just unprocessed pain, unmet needs, or generational exhaustion—and sadly, moms end up the scapegoat. That’s why I wrote the article the way I did. To show that we see it, we live it, and we’re trying to break the cycle while still being human.
You’re right—it’s a tough time to be a mom, especially when grace isn’t always returned to us. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Agreed. Sorry my initial comment wasn’t clear. I saw a lady in her 60’s comment on a Substack thread that she has been cut out of all 4 of her adult children’s lives and her heartbreak and confusion were devastating. From her own point of view, she’d done her best and now her kids won’t speak to her. No doubt (I believe this!) they have pain because who gets to adulthood without hurts? But wow that was achingly sad. As a mom myself, I see ways I fall short, don’t respond to situations in the ideal way, etc., and I hope my kids won’t cut me off later because of that!
Thank you for this!
My pleasure. I’m glad you resonate with my article. Can you tell me what hit home the most for you?
Spot on!!!
Thank you for commenting Zara. :)
Thank you for this piece ❤️ I’m one of the lucky one who has a husband who gets it, we are a real team. But he’s also traveling for work 70% of the time 😅 your writing makes us feel seen. Thank you 🙏
Hi Nadege. What an interesting name, where are you from? It always makes my heart happy when I hear that a spouse/partner is supportive of a stay-at-home parent and shows appreciation. You are one of the lucky ones so make sure to appreciate him in return because he is rare. Thank you for supporting my writing and restacking my article. It means more than you know!
From France originally ! And of course, you are welcome! It did me so much good to read your words, how could I not share? ❤️ looking forward to reading some more from you! Happy Sunday ✨